Decisions

In life we have many decisions to make. It is important to make the right decision for your situation. I have come across many life changing decisions. I use to be a drug addict in my early twenties. I chose to do the drugs with my then boyfriend who later became my husband. I chose the life that went with doing drugs. I had destroyed many relationships with my family and friends. Some in which I will never be able to mend. Was it the right decision for my family, friends and myself? No, of course not. I had spent about three years on and off of drugs. I use to work in the adult entertainment industry. I even had gotten arrested for possession of cocaine. None of the choices I made then were remotely a healthy decision. I had viewed my life on and off of drugs during that time frame. I noticed I had liked the times when I was off of the drugs with more control of my own behavior than I did while I was on drugs. I did not even know who I was anymore. I was someone who treated her family and friends like garbage. This was not who I am. Why did I act this way? Why did I allow myself to be out of control for so long? This was my life’s battle and I was losing it to drugs. I was a horrific mother. I had given my son to my mother when he was six months old. I had failed him as a parent in so many ways. I had two-step children I failed miserably as well. My step children are now grown and have families of their own.We do not speak to each other till this day. I destroyed any form of relationship we could have possibly had. I could never apologize enough to everyone for my actions.

It wasn’t until I had gotten arrested that I made yet another life changing decision that lead me on this path I am on now. I have to thank the officers for arresting me. If they did not, I would have kept on doing bad things and not caring who I hurt in my path. My husband and I had an unhealthy relationship as he was a drug addict himself. We had both decided to change our lives for the better and to stop doing drugs. After I had gotten arrested and placed on probation for eighteen months I had chosen to stay off of drugs forever and to continue to act right. I started to work on myself. I had low self-esteem.  I had started to try to mend the relationships I had destroyed.

My husband died in front of me. I was not able to save him. He died of an accidental prescription drug overdose. Yes I know what you are thinking. It can’t be an accident he was a drug addict. Yes, it was an accidental overdose. How? Well he was bi polar and severe manic-depressive. About maybe six months prior to his death he had taken pills. He had gotten confused, he started taking a number of pills not knowing what he was doing. I had called the police and emergency rescue. They pumped his stomach. He thanked me for saving his life. He had told me he did not want to die. Months later I was not fast enough. He died before my very eyes. My worst nightmare came true. The man I loved laid lifeless in front of me and I was helpless. I tried CPR on him with the help of the 911 operator with no prevail. I had cried for him ever since. My heart died that day in with my husband.

Time had passed by through the years. I had worked real hard on trying to give back to my family friends and life itself. I took so much for granted. I had gotten my son back. We live together and everyday I am thankful I am able to see his face. I had to earn my families trust that I had destroyed. This also took years to accomplish. I have a healthier life now because of the choices I had made to better myself and my situation. My son just turned eighteen and is set to graduate high school next year. I run my family’s business for them (no I do not get paid). I had gotten my Florida Notary license and had worked as a Maritime security officer and private land side security officer in the city for years. I would work with the people on a different level. I had more compassion for the homeless. I gave food, (sometimes even my own dinner knowing I could go home to eat and they had nothing),blankets, clothing to the homeless as opposed to just kicking them off of a property. I had conversations with people and I got to know someone and shared my stories with them. I connected with the people I came across. I had viewed situations I came across in a different way because of what I had learned in life. I could handle domestic situations with grace and allow people to calm down. I even had a highway patrol officer want to sponsor me to join their force. ( I declined because of a spine injury I had sustained years prior.) You have to be one tough cookie to be a female officer out there on the streets. I was just security and the hell I caught was nothing compared to what any law enforcement officer received.

My life choices took me down a very dark road in the beginning. I had made decisions that almost destroyed my family, friends and myself completely. I have many regrets. I can not make up for the decisions I had made that were such a negative impact in my life and the lives of others. I can only continue to make the right decisions to better myself and those around me. I hope to inspire people who are on that dark road now reading this. No matter what decisions you have made in the past it is never too late to start making the right decisions. You have control over your own destiny. It is up to you to decide what decisions you want to make from this moment on that will lead you down a path you do not want to be on or to a path you need to be on. Know and realize the road is only as dark as the decisions you choose to make.

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