It has been a long time since I had gotten to know myself. I had went year by year with some sort of responsibility for someone. I had invested my time for years in my family. I was the caregiver for both of my aunts. One of my aunts passed away this last August from breast cancer. My other aunt has dementia and is now in her daughters care as I had to shift the care over to my cousin due to her mothers increasing violent behavior. It has been a long hard year for sure. I had my heart-broken before my birthday and found that through everything I never stopped to take a break and find my center.
Life gives us lessons at every turn. I am thankful to be here to feel the joy with the pain. We learn as we go. This new year will be the year I rediscover myself. I want to do a few things. I want to continue to work on myself to make myself a better person for tomorrow. I want to continue to lose weight. I want to rebuild the muscles I had lost. I want to rediscover my inner peace. I was looking at the pictures I had taken of myself during different times of the year. In those pictures I could see the fire in my eyes dwindle to a little flame. I was beaten up emotionally and looked like it too. I am going to take the time this year to rediscover my ambitions and goals. There is only one way in life we can move…forward. There is no do over for last year. It is gone.
There is a saying I had heard on a television show and it has been my favorite saying of 2014. ” Yesterday is gone..tomorrow has not yet come…we only have today”. That phrase speaks to me right to my soul. Such a silly little saying but it is a good one. Yesterday is gone indeed. I said goodbye to my aunt with cancer for the last time as I held her hand until the end. I hurt like hell without her here. I have to take a journey inside myself and find the happiness that 2014 has taken away. The new year is only days away. I am full of mixed emotions. I sat here and took inventory of the last eight years of my life. So much has changed in the last eight years. There has been a lot of growth and there is still a lot of growing left to do.
I think I will take 2015 as the year to take myself out on date. I will do things this year I had set aside because I was a caregiver and never took time for myself. Not even time to go to a theater and watch a movie. The times I did venture out was to a funeral or to transport my aunts to their doctors appointments or emergency room visits or to port them to and from physical rehabilitation facilities. I am going to be more positive knowing there is a rainbow after every storm. The sun is always in the sky no matter how many dark clouds block the sunshine. The moon is always full no matter how much of a shadow blocks out the light. I will stop to take my time to look up and see opportunity in the sky. I am going to dress up a little more and finally be more girly. For those of us who have been through hell and back in 2014, I salute you. You and I are still standing. I look forward to rekindling that flame in my eyes. You are welcome to join me on my journey in 2015. The skies have no limits for me this year. I encourage you to take 2015 as an opportunity to rediscover yourselves too. I know I will for “Yesterday is gone..tomorrow has not yet come…we only have today”. Happy new year..cheers.