Crossroads Of Life

This is my current situation as of right this second typing. I have several effected discs in my spine neck down. I have had previous spinal procedures done. I am at the point now where I have just seen the spine surgeon yet again. He advised me that I need a three level disc fusion and decompression out of seven levels in my neck. He also advised me that the other two discs were located in a place he could not reach. He hasn’t even looked at my lower spine yet. He advised me that because of the narrowing around my spinal cord in my neck I am at a higher risk of going paralyzed if I get into an accident. We conversed for a while. I found out my nerve damage is permanent. No matter what they do to me that damage is irreversible so I will maintain having burning sensations, itching, pins, needles, extreme pain and numbness throughout my body. Because of my age (39) my doctor told me that if I have the fusions now the discs above the location and below will be taking the brunt of what has been fused. This will in turn cause problems for me in the future and this is just my neck alone! He hasn’t even seen my lower spine!

I am left to contemplate this, do I take the risk and have the surgery now knowing very well I could go paralyzed during the procedure as he explained or have a heart attack or other? Do I wait and take a chance at getting into an accident at some point in life that can render me paralyzed forever? This is beyond scary! When I cough or sneeze too hard my neck shoots the most excruciating pain down both of my arms and I am left immobile for a good minute or two. I have other spine problems that have made me bed bound for a maximum of one month at a time. I have so much I want to do yet my fear of getting physically hurt further has been stopping me. A part of me wants this surgery so I can move on with my life and exercise like I want to. I want to learn Muay Thai fighting.The sport and art of, not to actually fight. I want to be able to climb again. I want to go hiking! There is so much of this world I have never seen and I want to so desperately just throw caution to the wind on this one and say whatever happens, happens.

I have a son he is 18 now. I keep in mind what would it be like for him if I died during the procedure or if I went paralyzed trying to avoid going paralyzed. It’s a catch 22. This is a serious issue. I have to get more MRI’s in a week. I will see this doctor again to see what he has to say about the rest of my spine. I am on a journey in life. I want to take pictures like the pin-up girls and burlesque women. I want to wear fun outfits. I want to wear different style hair. I want to use color to bring joy to my photos and express myself. I am so afraid that if I do not get this procedure done and something happens I will regret not taking the chance. I am also terrified that if something happens to me during the procedure that my son is left without a mother at such a young age or he is left to see me like he has never seen me before medically.

I started a go fund me account. I started it to get funds for camera equipment, costumes, makeup, hair etc. I am on Facebook and Twitter under “Plus Size Beautiful”. I have pictures I have taken of myself there. I am documenting my journey as I go. If you wish to be a part of my life and see what happens next please feel free to follow me on social media. I have started my weight loss to better my medical conditions as I also have an enlarged aorta, type two diabetes, high blood pressure and other issues. I started at 245lbs. I am now down to 216lbs. My spine doctor told me that the weight loss does help with stress on my spine but he also advised me it will not stop me from feeling the pain I have from the nerve damage.  I am going to try my best during this wait time to get funds going so if you want to help me please share my story. I have a few outfits in mind already. I want to express myself with my photos. I want to live the dream I see so many other women living. Just because I am disabled does not mean I can not model what I want. Yes I have scars on my body and a steroidal hump on the back of my neck. You know what?  They are a part of who I am. I will not be afraid to show them.

I have tried so hard in life. I have had many failures and disappointments just like everyone else. I want to stay positive and have someone look at me and say “She inspires me”.  I am plus size, I have scars, I wear glasses and I love cello music. I am a plus size nerd and proud of it. I have this crossroad in life yet again. Which path do I take? This is not an easy decision. Stay with me. Follow me. Support me. You are my diary. You are my confidant. As I tell you what goes on in my life maybe you can tell me what you have been through. Share your experiences with me. I can only see the path I am on. I can not see yours. You can see mine and help me find my way through the crossroads of life.


5 thoughts on “Crossroads Of Life

  1. I’ve had issues with a couple of the vertebrae in my neck for years now. Nowhere near as serious as yours, but I have the odd pains in my upper body regularly — chest, shoulders, back, down my left arm. And it is impossible for me to sleep without my neck getting stiff. I wake up every few hours and if I want to move my head there’s a bit of pain there. The doc says there’s nothing wrong with the vertebrae, they just have narrower openings than usual. I fear I may one day end up in a situation like yours. Good luck!

    Liked by 1 person

  2. I had # 5 and 6 disc replaced in my neck 28 years ago from a car accident whiplash. I had a neurosurgeon do the surgery and today I am fine. It was a long recovery at the time and now I am having some lower spine problems but it was a good decision to have had the surgery at the time. Hope this helps you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Just an update since I had been fighting online bullies and have not written about my journey in a long time. The gofundme account was taken down by myself. I did not feel right having it up to begin with.


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