I can not tell you how time and time again I stayed in an unhealthy relationship with my husband who verbally and physically abused me because I thought I deserved it. I thought I was worthless and could not do better. It was not until I went to a domestic violence shelter one night after my husband picked up a pair of scissors pointed them at me in a drunken fit looked me straight in the eye saying “What? You’re still here?”. I hated it when my husband drank he was anything but the man I fell in love with. His eyes were evil and I can not forget the looks on his face every time he decided I was a worthless human and chose to beat the hell out of me. As I was in this shelter there was a psychiatrist/counselor. We sat and talked for hours. She explained to me the cycle of abuse and how someone who is abusive will break a person down with words and violence to keep them under control. I opted to stay away from my husband until he got help. He did voluntarily admit himself into a mental health facility and told them the truth of how he abused me. I was shocked to say the least that he actually came to terms that he had a problem.
I was with my husband for seven years. There were good times and there were bad times. The times that are burned into my soul are the times my husband chose to abuse me. This has led to serious mental issues for me in regards to relationships and the lack of trust I have with people. I have been diagnosed with post traumatic stress disorder because of it. I do not go around crowds of people. I refuse to go to clubs and bars where people walk in fine leave in hand cuffs. I have social disorders. As a very apprehensive person I tend to shy away from new people as a part of my life and stay with the ones I have that I met through family or direct friends. It has been very hard to adjust. My husband passed away in 2003. It is now 12 years later and the wounds are still fresh in my mind. Every time I look in the mirror I am reminded of what my husband did to me the night he tried to kill me. He beat me for hours then started choking me to death he ended up breaking my nose. If it weren’t for my step son to come in the room hearing me scream for my life and grab his father off of me I would be dead today. My husbands half-sister told me after that day she would have helped my husband bury my body as blood was thicker than water. She was a hard-core alcoholic and pill popper herself. I look at my nose and hate what I see knowing it is still broken and how it got that way. I hurt emotionally everyday. The physical scars heal it is the mental scars that last forever.
As victims of domestic violence we tend to make excuses as to why our other halves beat us or verbally abuse us. We have to break that chain and realize it is not us who is malfunctioned. It is our abusers who have the defect. I had a spinal procedure in 2001 my husband was surprised that I recovered as fast as I did. He even said “Wow you are recouping fast”..I thought to myself as I looked him in the face “you would be surprised what fear can do for a person”. I was afraid If I did not get myself back to what I could I would not be able to run from him again the next time he decided to get drunk or high. It was a vicious cycle that started with his first wife who tried to warn me of how abusive my husband really was. I was so full of myself I thought she was lying. Needless to say I found out real quick who the true liar was. The events I write about are not in order on this blog..I go with my emotions when I write and say it how it is. You can not sugar coat the bullshit.
I never really downed my husband verbally. I have taken responsibility in my role of our relationship. He was not the best person in the world nor was I. If you recall in my prior blogs I write of my drug addiction in my early 20’s. We have to find our self-worth and self value. We can not allow others to take control over us. So how do we break the chains? How do we break the cycle. Start with yourself. WALK AWAY and stay away. It will hurt like hell emotionally you will want to run right back to that same person who just beat the shit out of you or verbally abused you into submission. It is a cycle and we have the power to change it starting with ourselves. Seek help from a counselor. There are national abuse hotlines you can call and stay anonymous. Here is a link to their page and phone number for U.S.A.
The first step is to admit to ourselves we deserve better, that we are not worthless. No matter what our abusers tell us it is all a part of their method to keep us under control. I tried dating and ended up with a man who was alright for the most part. He had his own issues as we all do. He was never abusive to me until the very end of our relationship when he decided to do something against my will to keep us together. When things started to go south in our relationship as I was strained to keep us afloat financially he decided he wanted to keep me by getting me pregnant after I told him I could no longer carry a pregnancy full term due to my injuries. I ended up having a miscarriage at work. I still have the scars on my body from the endoscopy procedure and cesarean the doctor performed thinking the baby was in my tubes. This is also a form of abuse. This was a selfish act he had no right to inflict upon me because I decided we needed to split due to the fact I could not carry us financially working two jobs and he was not trying hard enough to work at all leaving the financial stress on me entirely. I stay single for many reasons. I am not only disabled but I have so many trust issues I do not want to burden the next man over it. For me it is easier to stay alone at this point in my life. It is a lonely existence in regards to wanting the affections of a man who is truly loving and understanding. Sometimes we have to say it is alright to be alone to take that “me time” and find ourselves again. I hope one day I can have a more normal life. Whatever normal may be for people like me. I like to read. I admit I hold no diploma in anything..I graduated from the school of hard knocks…I have an H.S.D. (High School Dropout) and a degree in let’s hear your shit for those of my friends who call me with problems they think are huge but really are simple to fix with proper communication skills.
This brings me to why I wrote this piece. I have a friend who found herself in a situation she just can’t seem to get out of. I went off on her telling her to get away from that abusive piece of shit guy who calls himself a man. When we are weak mentally we allow ourselves to become victims. I am not saying it is our fault these assholes be it male or female decide to abuse us. I am saying we need to realize we have more power and control over our lives than we think. The first step is to get away..get away..get away..”oh but it’s not that easy”…yes it is…There are domestic violence shelters you can go to..call a friend, leave your house, get away from the person who is abusing you in any way you can. Once the abuser realizes they can not control you anymore you break the chain they had around your neck. Take some time to read about the cycle of abuse. You are not alone. This is not the first time something like this has happened to a person. It is not your fault. You can not control the actions of others but you can control your own actions. You have the strength in you to do this for yourself. Take your life back you are worth everything. Start by calling the hotline if you have to. Stay anonymous but get yourself help. You can break the cycle of domestic violence and mental abuse.