I had written a blog about domestic violence and the cycle of. I can not seem to get it across to my friends that they are worth more than what they think. These two women I love dearly are both in two different situations. The outcome of both is unfortunately the same. They are both being verbally and physically abused. They feel it is their fault they triggered the person they are in relationships with to act out in violence. They both feel it is their fault the person they are with has a lack of self-control. Let’s start with my friend number one. She is married. Her and her husband have a volatile relationship. If you remember in an earlier blog I wrote I spoke of my experience with my husband and how volatile we were with each other as drugs and alcohol played a major factor between us and our dysfunction. Friend number one thinks it is her fault her husband verbally and physically abuses her. She actually told me on the phone she is the one who set him off. I responded to her with “You sound like a victim where is the (her name) that I knew?” She use to be very strong mentally and would never allow any man to abuse her in the slightest. Years of being with her husband they have both done things to each other that is unfathomable to a married couple who actually respects each other and would die before they inflicted any form of harm to one another. I had the conversation with her today about taking some time to find herself again. Right now they are both not living together as he threw her out and the kids are in the custody of the state (not of her fault or doing she was not there when the state took both kids from two locations).
I find myself pushing her to the limits of our friendship with telling her that her husband who is also a personal friend I love dearly not worth the spit from her mouth at this moment in time. I explained to her that a husbands role is to generally protect their family from any outsider or harm but what happens when the father figure/husband is the one causing harm to his own family? Who is supposed to protect them from him? (This also goes for role reversal with the females being the aggressor and same-sex couples if one is the aggressor/abusive partner). I told her to take a piece of paper and write down what she thinks she is worth like, “I am worth having the respect to not be called names or put down” ,”I am worth not being beaten by the same person who said they loved me”, “I am worth respect in front of others and in private”. Things like this. She also expressed how she longed for her husband to act like the young men she has seen give respect to their girlfriends and others by holding doors open and speaking with kindness. She expressed the desire to have her husband act the same way as when they first got together many years ago, so kind,gentle,loving and respectful. I could not help but feel for her as I had thought the same things when my husband was alive. I remember taking my husband’s hand and putting it to my face looking into his eyes and asking him “why can’t I feel the gentle touch of your hands like this?” (I have to admit I am in tears remembering all this. Been 12 years now since he passed away and the emotional scars never healed).
I go on to tell my friend who is like a sister to me that it is alright to get a divorce. It is alright to walk away. It is alright to feel lost,hurt and alone. These are all normal feelings. The emotional attachment she has to her husband is great however it is of an unhealthy kind. He has conditioned her to feel worthless without him in my opinion. I have not spoken to him and can not even muster up the strength to approach him even in a private message as I just want to cuss him out like there is no tomorrow. I will get back to that in a while if I remember. I told my friend that she needs to find her inner strength to know she can be in control of herself without the need of her husband. Mind you they have been together for many,many years. He has taken on the role of a step father to her child and they have another child together. Every time she calls me I am compelled to gear her in a direction towards a healthier future for herself and her children. I advised her to cut all contact with her husband since he filed for divorce. To me that is the best thing he could have ever done for her. To file for divorce and let her go so another man can take his place in the future to treat her with the love and respect she deserves where he failed her miserably as a man,spouse,lover,father and friend. I continue to advise her to treat herself better. She needs this time to heal and understand she won’t die without him but she can very well die because of him. (Been there done that burnt the damn T-shirt). I can not stress enough the importance of her getting herself back on her feet and becoming independent. The codependency is not healthy for either of them. Her husband needs to seek help as he is beyond what a normal person would or should act like especially when he is angry and has no self-control.
Let’s move on to friend number two. She had a really great guy they were engaged to get married. She ended up leaving him because she felt he paid too much attention to his electronic devices i.e. cell phone etc and not enough to her. She ends up leaving completely then meeting a man who mistreats her. She actually called me and said “Girl I do not know what happened the last thing I remember was..” She went on to explain how he knocked her unconscious and when she came to she could not remember what had happened or why. She told me he advised her she came at him with a knife. That they were both “drunk”. I went off on her like you would not believe. I did not understand why she left a perfectly good guy to get together with a loser who was not only violent but married to someone else. I asked her what the hell was she doing?! She and I have not really spoken since. I have given her the opportunity to get money to fix her car so she can leave however for whatever reason she is deciding to stay with this man. She is a lost cause at this moment in time when given the opportunity to rectify the situation she is in she refused the help insisting she can do it on her own. So be it if she thinks she is a big girl and can handle herself go for it get beat but as a friend do not expect me to sugar coat the bull crap when you call to shoot the sh*t and act like you did not tell me he knocked you out.Sometimes even as friends or confidants we have to choose to say o.k. I tried my best and it is time for you to figure the rest out. We can not exhaust ourselves and waste our breath when the people we are trying to help refuse what we offer. Not everyone wants to get the help. They have lived their entire lives playing the role of a victim and can not for whatever reason play any other role. We have to get help for ourselves as people. How much are we allowing ourselves to be the victim? How much are we allowing ourselves to be the abusers? Back to friend number one, her husband a man I use to love and respect. Get help for yourself. You can not sit there and remotely say you are my friend when you are hurting the ones I love. I will not support your abusive behavior for one moment. What I will support is you seeking help for yourself. Somewhere along the way you lost yourself and became the very type of man you hate the most. It is up to us to seek the help we need in either or case. We have to ask ourselves in the end of all things a few questions one of the most important questions we need to not only ask ourselves but answer is. Am I worth being a better person?