I am at an impasse in my life. After years of trying to do good and give back I feel like I am being pulled in more directions than I can handle. I am finding it hard to breathe or think today. For the first time in my entire life I actually said something that I thought I would never say. I actually said I wanted to blow my brains out. Can you believe that? Me? The life warrior wanting to blow my own brains out? It has been a long journey. I know I am not normal. I will never be normal. I will never have a proper relationship or have a remotely normal life. There are more people around me that need more help than what I can give. I can not be in more places than one at a time. My own health care was set aside as I did what I was supposed to do and help my family with our mother who is still recovering from her second stroke.
My head is killing me and I have no idea if I should tell a psychiatrist that I even had a thought of doing something I would have never even imagined I would mutter out of my own mouth out loud to myself. I am hurting inside and out. My body is in so much pain and my mental health is not as strong as it should be. I had some seriously trying times this week with having to view my husband’s death certificate and hold the box with his remains remnants so it would not get lost in the shuffle of things. I think that is where it started to go south for me. I slowly broke down again. I love my husband and I hate him all at the same time. How can I love and hate my own husband who died in front of me? I could not save him as I have in the past and I am angry. I am reliving my own hell every day of my life trying to be the pillar of strength I need to be for my family and friends. I feel like I am slowly dying inside.
Having issues is normal but not being able to control the crying or emotions is not. I am also afraid to tell a psychiatrist because I do not want to be labeled. I have fought so hard to give back and be a better person. I feel defeated, I actually feel defeated. I think I had stared the devil in the face the night my husband tried to kill me and here I am not knowing why I was saved and not buried somewhere in a field by my husband and his half-sister. How can I even say I love him after he did that to me? I can’t breathe. I am angry, I am confused and I am hurting inside. I won’t even dare try to be with anyone knowing how messed up I am as a person not wanting to destroy any future relationship. I am like a little girl trapped in my own head. How do I move on? How do I let the hurt go? How do I let the feelings of failure be replaced by the accomplishments I have had in my life?
Being positive is something I can only do for so long before these oppressed emotions creep up on me over and over again that lurk in the deepest darkest parts of my psychi. I have battled myself for so long I just get so tired and do not want to fight anymore. What is the point when it feels like a never-ending war in my own body. Do I tell someone? Do I dare let a medical professional label me? I have labeled myself enough. I do not like medication. I had once spoken to a woman who was a psychologist as well as an acquaintance. She told me I was punishing myself by not allowing myself to be treated with pain meds or other medications. How can I explain to someone for them to understand my own husband died before my very eyes off of prescription medication. Of all the drugs in the world he had done that were illegal he died off of legal prescription medication, my prescription medication. I put my guard down and he died on my watch. How the f*ck do you explain that to someone for them to know how much it hurts inside. I feel like I failed my husband.I feel like I failed his family and mine.
I feel like I am lost in this realm of emotions that I keep battling, oppressing every emotion with each swing I take to fight back. The further I push my emotions back the harder the hit when they make it to the for front of my mind. It is becoming increasingly more difficult to find my way out of my own emotional realm. A living hell inside full of tormenting emotions that are getting stronger as I am getting weaker. Where is my savior? Do I even have one? I have to save myself and I am getting tired of the battle. I lay my head to rest in failed hopes that my emotions do not visit me in my sleep. I fight even when I am dreaming. Always looking for my husband. Wishing I could breathe that breath of life back in him. Pumping his chest and choking on the spit that came out of his mouth. Dammit live! Just breathe! Why!? Why did yo have to die on me!? I can not handle much more. Damn you! I can not breathe I want to wither away into nothingness. Let me be blown away into the wind like my husbands ashes. I can not find much more reason to fight. My body is beaten as much as my soul. I have cried rivers of tears. My heart is withering away turning into stone. This human body and mind is not strong enough anymore. I am… getting to the point of no return.