I had the awful experience of lunging into a very deep depression and not wanting to live after just three days off of my psych meds. I started taking the medication to help me stop crying a while ago. I had cried for many years after my husband died in front of me. I did not even go into the general public for four years after his death. I spoke with my primary care physician and I was given medication that would stop the crying as well as help my neurological issues due to nerve damage from my spine. The medication I was prescribed took some time to work and it helped me greatly. I had later started seeing a behavioral specialist to assist me with overcoming personal issues during my marriage and life. I wanted to be a strong person for my son, family, friends and myself. I had gotten stable with the proper care and combination of both medical and psychiatric medications along with treatment.
After I had lost my income I was not able to afford Obama care. The co pays and monthly fees were out of my reach being as how I had zero income and was penalized until August of this year 2017. I tried to apply with no way of obtaining any medical assistance. My medication had finally ran out. I have many medicines due to my medical issues. If you read my blog prior to this one you will understand the full story of how I ended up in the hospital due to my Lupus. I am usually a very happy person who loves to laugh and joke around. I had never felt the desire to die like I did just days ago. I am still embarrassed for my episode and how I scared my family and friends. I have to keep telling myself it is alright to be human.
I started experiencing extreme physical suffering once my medications ran out from severe headaches, earache’s nausea physical pain, vomiting and the lack to sustain life itself. I was not able to eat or drink for three days. I constantly vomited anything I tried to consume. It is not a joke when we are left to suffer due to a broken health care system. It is inhumane to say the least. I was in so much agony I did not want to go on. I had started looking up assisted suicide and even was about to make a phone call when one f the kids found me in my room crying my eyes out. I was fortunate to have my family and friends catch me in time to save me from myself. Those of us who have serious conditions that use serious medications can not just be tossed aside and left to fend for ourselves once we have no way to financially support ourselves due to our disabilities. There are so many people out there that do not have the rescue squad I did. I would be dead right now if it were not for them saving me.
My eldest sister pointed out that running out of medication and stopping my psych meds abruptly might be the reason I had crashed mentally like I did. My son and I were in my room as we were reading my psych meds side effects and withdrawal information. Sure enough my sister hit the nail on the head. It literally stated right there “increase in thoughts of suicide.” I shook my head in disbelief. The one medication that stopped my crying for so long almost made me kill myself. I felt bad for others like me who seek help and can not afford medications or suffer from withdrawals. It was hell. I never want to feel that way again, ever.
My brother paid for my medications at a cost of nearly one thousand dollars. That was just for the life threatening medications. A supply that will last only for so long. How are we supposed to afford our medication if the government and their asinine rules of qualifications can never be met by a majority of us? How dare our government allow human suffering in the most inhumane way possible? A slow agonizing death is what I was going through. I was invisible. No one heard me or saw me until I took to social media and basically was saying goodbye to those I love. The medical system along with other things in our country is broken to the max. With as much as people are taxed you would think healthcare would be affordable. This stupid affordable health care act is anything but, with yearly out-of-pocket expenses of over twelve thousand dollars. I do not even make eight thousand on disability. Now that I lost everything I make zero so how am I supposed to afford that?
Should I just roll over and die? That is exactly how I felt. I am still recovering from my nightmare and wanted to be the voice of the voiceless. I lost my voice and will to go on when I was in the hospital with dehydrated kidneys due to my lupus. Who will fight for those like me? Who knows exactly what this feels like and is strong enough to bounce back and blow the knee caps out of social security and our healthcare system so they do not allow people to fall through the cracks like me that just want to die because of human physical suffering without our medications?. I am not addicted to anything. The medications I take are for my heart and neuron blockers. The most I take for pain is OTC like ibuprofen. I am on an Aspirin a day regimen for my heart. I eat as healthy as I can and even lost weight for my upcoming thoracic aneurysm repair that I have currently no clue what size it is at due to losing my medical insurance right before my imaging appointment and heart doctor appointment.
The government is playing with my life in the most cruel way possible. My medications can not cure my condition. The only thing my medications can do is give me a sustainability of life where I can eat and drink water without vomiting. I have headaches and earache so severe I am in bed resting more than I want to. My life with Lupus and my other ailments has been anything but a walk in the park which I would love to do by the way but I get very sick in the direct sunshine. Something has to change and it has to change fast. We are humans. We deserve better. I am not a statistic but I almost became one this week. Most of the population that does not have to take psych meds will not understand the severity of the necessity to maintain proper dosages and medical care unless they have had to deal with someone who has. They will never feel the desire to die from physical suffering and mental suffering when they run out of that vital psych med and life-sustaining medications. Since I know and have experienced it first hand I will be the voice for the voiceless. I will bring dyer awareness to the need for educating everyone who is in government positions of the importance in regards to our….. “Psych Meds, Withdrawals & Side Effects.”.