For years after my husband died I had recurring nightmares of running away from a man who wanted to hurt me. My dreams would always be the same. They would start with me running and my heart racing trying to find my way out of some dwelling I had never seen before. Door after door all locked. I constantly ran through the dwelling with some man chasing me not too far behind. I could hear him yelling for me, trying to find me. When I finally reached a door to exit it was locked. I frantically tried to unlock the door going through lock after lock on the same door. One lock more intricate after the other. Never able to open the locked doors I always woke up in a sweat with my heart racing as the man got closer and closer.
I started seeing a behavioral specialist to deal with my life problems. I knew what I was taught thus far. I started to learn not to blame myself. I have yet to see her again to tell her of my newest mental breakdown. I was forever lost trying to find a way out. What was the meaning behind my nightmares? I was befuddled to say the least. Never did I think for one moment the dwelling in my nightmare meant what it turned out to be. Until recently. My dreams had started to change. It would always start the same with me in some sort of peril trying to escape before I was caught by a man who wanted to cause me harm. I finally made it through a few locks. Every new nightmare I had, I was able to unravel the locking mechanisms faster and faster until one night I actually unlocked the door and ran outside. I was not able to run far but I was outside. I never really knew what my dreams meant until I made it outside and looked back. I was in disbelief, It was myself that I saw. I was the dwelling. I was the locked doors. I was trying to escape myself and the fears I have held onto for so many years.
With such a prolific moment in my life I had sat there in bed with my eyes wide open staring at the ceiling just replaying it over and over again in my head. I remember how I looked back and saw myself. How could I not know? How was it that I was my own locked doors? For years I had kept everything bottled up, fearing if I told anyone I would be judged and exiled. I am in ways still locked behind a few of my own doors. In time I will learn that there is a way to unlock the doors that were always locked. In time I will learn to free myself from my own emotions. I will learn that although I house those locked doors I am strong enough to break through them one lock at a time.
You now we never think we are strong enough to break through our own emotional chains. In time we have learned to just bottle everything away or file our emotions in a “forget it I don’t want to remember the pain, file box.” it’s easier to try to forget rather than to deal with our emotional pain head on. Life gives us pain for a reason. We have to learn how to process that pain. I have written and learned so much on my journey in life to find who I am and how I am processing my emotions. I have so many unfinished blogs. I want to help others find their way out of their own “dwelling”. I will get back to trying to finish some of those more heart-felt blogs. I am super sensitive to others around me even through social media I am like an empath. I feel your pain. I want to help you. I want each of you reading this to know that you are truly not alone. I am here. I am watching. I am listening. I love you for all your broken pieces that make you who you are. I feel you deep in my soul.
Together we can overcome some of the most difficult pain life has given us. Your broken is beautiful to me. Your pain is a stepping stone in life. Our paths are made in the past. We have control in making the paths of our future. We have the power to know where we want to place that next stepping stone of pain. Make your path walkable. It will not be easy but when you take that life journey through your paths made with pain know you have turned that pain into a garden. A forever growing garden inside you that you will nourish with allowing yourself to not only feel that pain but process it too. Stay strong. Stay positive. I know it is hard to do. I have been there wanting to die from my pain. My garden is growing. My path in life has not been a smooth one however it is mine and I own it. Much love and respect for those of you who have stuck with me through my life’s journey. For those of you who are new to my blogs welcome. I love and respect each of you. Remember your worth no matter what anyone tells you. You have me if not anyone else in your life. You can always reach out to me on social media or leave me a message here. I will respond to you. It may take time but I will respond. My hand is out to each of you. Reach over and take my hand as we walk in our life’s journey for a better understanding of why “The doors were always locked”.
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